It was a dreary, snowy day here in Reno, and brought on lots of different thoughts. To be honest the number one thing on my mind lately in religion-right and wrong. I know I need to get my relationship right with the Lord again, and I am on that path. My family is on that path as well. Living here is much different than living in the Bible belt. God, Religion-it's just not 'prevalant', it's not common day, it's not seen as the norm. And when there is talk of religion there are soooo many different opinions. Not that this is anything new, but it's a stumbling block or on the other hand a stepping stone. I guess it's how you look at things.


I have a yearning within my soul that can not be soothed by anything or anyone but the Lord and I know that. I have searched for, tried to make happiness happen, only to see my own failure. I have so many thoughts and feelings. I and my family need God, we need Faith, we need the love.


There are so many friends, people that I have known for years that are going through what are probably the most trying times of their lives at least to date. A friend with a child fighting cancer, friend with a very premature baby fighting for her little life minute by minute, friends who have lost loved ones, and I think in the grand scheme of things...how small some of our daily problems are. Lunch wasn't what you ordered, traffic made you late for an appointment, are those things really going to cause a big impact in the big picture of your life.


I think about these people daily, I worry for them, I pray for them, I hurt for them. I wonder how small things like what other people say about you or think about you would matter to them at this moment. Would they care if someone wrote a sarcastic facebook comment about them, would they care if someone thought they were better than them, would they care if someone didn't 'approve' of the way they run their family. I tend to think the answers to all would be no. I tend to hold on to the belief that what should matter is what will affect our lives, our real lives. Not petty things. There are a lot of things on my mind right now, more than I can spew out right now, but in the next few days it will come out. Don't be shocked, don't be taken aback-but instead take it to heart, take it as questions in your own life.....if your life ended right .....now! Would you be proud of the way you lived it?

What a Difference a Day Makes!

WOW!! Today was awesome. After a very hard weekend, I learned today that this rough patch was just what I needed! I had the kids Valentine's presents sat out by the fireplace for when they woke up this morning. (don't worry Wade got his present last night) Allie gets up when I do because I drop her at school on my way to work, so she was the first to get her gifts...some candy, a Charlotte Russe shirt, pink pancake mix and a Twilight Card-her new Droid phone had already been ordered but won't be here until Wednesday.

Layne was next and came down half asleep for his new soccer ball and equipment, new ping pong balls for his table, chocolate candy, a doggy sucker, sweet tarts of course and his Valentine card. Then Pres joined for her new pink golf set, pink miniature soccer ball, two stuffed animals one each from her brother and sister, her diamond ring sucker, Tinkerbell conversation hearts, and chocolates.

Then off to work!!! I've got a cold so it was a dreary morning until about 9 o'clock when I got a big surprise...my hubby and a beautiful little girl carrying a pink bag bigger than she is! I got to spend a few minutes with them while the girls at work loved on Pres. Then I got this phone call at work at about 3:30 saying hey baby what time you get off work!! It was my crazy husband saying he was cooking dinner and wanted to make sure it was hot when I got home!

We sat and had a great family dinner together, talked about the day. Allie asked if I gave her dad the address to her school and when I answered no, she wanted to know how he knew it? I was quite baffled, until she brought in a beautiful red rose, Happy Valentine's Day Balloon and card that read "I love you, Daddy". She was so excited.

Wade and I had a great conversation about our future, our hopes, our plans for our family, what we expect to instill in out kids. I told him of concerns that I have with our blended family that he put at ease. I learned that if I take on his approach and outlook at what we can do with our children and what we can hope for, I felt so much better. We then decided together that we both have a longing for a church family and to get our kids the Christian guidance that they don't get not living in the Bible belt.

I have started preparing my book and have not decided whether to change the names to protect the innocent because there really are no innocent. I have also promised to make this blog the serious facts, of my feelings, no holds barred. So I must say that I got a big surprise tonight that I can say was a definite surprise, but I can also say made me a very happy girl. It has been a long 5 years with this journey of being a blended family and trying to deal with everyone involved and I must say that sharing the last name with my husbands EX wife hasn't been one of my favorite details of being an Agee, but looks like I got another Valentine gift tonight and so did she when she got married! So Congratulations to her and her newest husband and good luck to them!

Hard Days

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. Time to be honest. I'm not happy. I'm not where I feel I belong. I have always been destined for great, bigger, things, but don't know how I'm ever going to achieve them now. I love my kids, but it would be sooo hard to go back to school now, because I have to work. I'm so tired of tip toeing around everyone to make them feel special, when I don't feel that way myself. I'm tired of being the one that does for everyone else, but ends up getting crapped on in the end.

I've dealt with liars, home wreckers, selfish, two faced people and I'm at my wits end. The moodiness, the going from one way to the next in a matter of minutes is ridiculous. Having people lie about you to make you out to be the bad guy is sooo uncalled for. I have done nothing in this life, but try to help, fix, or take care of everyone else; but have I gotten any of that in return? No. My parents try but they don't know how to always help, it's either too much or they get upset and it's too little. As for my husband it's the same way all or nothing. I know that I am loved.

I also know that I am 33 and tired of feeling like an old woman. I want to live my life the way I want. I want others, as in those that have no business in my life to stay out of it. I realize that there are people that in a round about way have a place in my life, but some of them take it to the extreme. I have decided that I am going to write that book that so many have been trying to get me to write. I might end up single and enemy of the state number 1, but that is the way it has to be. I've had all the drama I can take.

Fact is....I love my husband, children, parents, Father, Son and the Holy Ghost. I love my step kids like they are my own, but I also feel that I have been used and by some of these people. Fact...My husbands ex wife has no place in my life. I am the biological mother of 3 of our five children and I am responsible for and have the say in what happens in their lives. The sooner that others respect my position the sooner things will get better.

I am not a bad evil person. I want what is best for my family and for myself. I was told this by someone 'that they didn't agree with decisions that I have made and that I need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to know how they feel'. Well in all honesty, I have dealt with that other person's shoes for years now and know just how manipulative they are. I also know that no one has ever taken into consideration the journey in this life that I have had.

This book it going to upset, and tick off lots of people, but I have made up my mind that is the way it needs to be. I'm tired of being the one to get trampled on. Others that not only act like bitches, but I am convinced are card carrying members of this club, need to know the truth.

Again this is not only one sided, I realize there are two sides to every story, I also realize there is one truth. I want to make a difference in people's lives and I am going to do that one way or the other. Please pray for me to find the best way for me to do that.

For those of you that have for years tried to ruin my life, get ready for the truth, get ready for the great debate. I am sick of rumors, I am sick of drama. If you feel the need to lay the so called truth on, then be a man/woman and take it up with me. You think you know things that I do not,then feel free to email me or better yet call me and let's talk about it. No more of round and round drama, no more of when you get the urge-trying to cause problems in my life....bring it. You have something to say, you have something to take up with me...bring it. Don't be a coward, don't start threads under anonymous names on public trash websites, don't start crap on social networking sites....come to me. If I'm who you have the problem with come to me! I may end up alone, I may end up enemy of the state, but I will be happy with myself and I will stick up for my kids. This includes my step kids. I have decided to take back the power of my life. Like it or not, agree or not. Try to bring me down, and let's see how pathetic your lives really are. You have a legitimate reason to confront me...do it, like a real man or woman. Don't hide behind your keyboard, or fake name, or friends. But also be prepared, you want to come to me with what you think I've done wrong-be prepared to hear the truth. Because I really think that there are people running their mouths, hypocritically, that would love to throw stones, but are not themselves ready to face the truth.

Learning to Let Go

So I have been on this journey within myself to find 'me'....to live 'my' life. What I have realized is that I wanted the perfect life and guess what... it - doesn't - exist. There is no perfect life. What I have to do is let go of that myth. I have to realize that not everything has to or is going to go the way I want it to. But letting go is the HARDEST thing to do. But it is good for me, it is good for me to let go and breathe. It's good for anyone.

Now then...saying it is soooo easy. Doing it-a different story. I am still trying. Little things, baby steps. That's the way to go right?

Fairy Tales Are Just That

How do we move on? How do we get through? How do we wake up everyday and live as if nothing is wrong? This is something I am struggling with. In the past few weeks that which has always been invincable to me, has fallen. I don't know how do deal with it. I don't know where to turn or what to do. I want to fix it all, I want to make everything better...yet I have no control over it. I am helpless. Do you know how this feels...helpless? I need to make everything o.k., but the truth is, nothing will ever be the same again. And yet everyday the sun continues to rise, work goes on, kids have to go to school, homework has to be done, meals made, laundry done...but how can this be when the world feels like it is crashing down all around. Doesn't the world understand that life as I know it is changing...why can't everything just come to a halt until we make this right? Why can't life pause until it's all better again....because it's never going to be the way it was. But why? It isn't time for my world to change. I'm not ready. I'm not prepared. I am learning that the world keeps turning, life still goes on...not the way I want it, but it still goes on. What am I supposed to do? How do I cope? Anger...believe me I'm there. Sadness...believe me I've been there and it isn't over yet. Faith..that's probably the hardest, but I'm trying. Facing the truth...don't want to, but have to. How do you deal when what is supposed to always be strong becomes weak? How do you deal when you cannot fix what is wrong? That is my job, has always been my job. I make things better, I work them out...so why has this power been taken away from me? Why can't everyone else see the pain. Is it just in me? I have a huge whole inside...I need something but what? I pray, I'm keeping my faith in God which isn't easy when it seems everything is falling apart. Who do I lean on, where do I turn. I know, I know...no one ever said life is easy....but no one ever said it is heartbreaking. There are so many different types of people in this world...weak, strong, poor, rich, faithful, faithless, selfish, selfless, givers and takers. There are those that do wrong their entire lives and never seem to 'pay' for their actions, and yet there are those who do right most of their lives and yet these are the ones that seem to pay. Why do bad things happen....why are there true monsters in the world? Why do we teach children fairy tales, why do we tell those learning about life that there are happily ever afters? Are we setting them up for pain? Are there ever fairy tales that come true? My world seems to be crumbling...but the world keeps spinning. The seconds tick by and become minutes which turn into hours and then drag on into days. How do we make our fairy tales end just like those in the books....happily ever after!

So It Goes

I've got so much on my mind and in my heart right now that it feels like I'm in the middle of whirlwind and can't catch my breath. I have been praying so hard, and not for what I want entirely....but actually for God to show me what he wants for me.

As you all know I have struggled with finding out who I really am. Who is "ME"? I have come to realize that there are so many emotions, trials, tribulations, blessings, and gifts that have been part of my life, that those things make up who I am. Who I have loved, who I have been loved by....who I have lost, and those who I have found. People will come and go throughout your life, some for what we may feel sorry to see go or happy that they have left. Those who you have prayed to come into your life and those that show up like a gift from heaven. My family is who I am, my friends are who I am, my love is who I am, my passion is who I am.

I get overwhelmed, who doesn't. I get down, who doesn't. I have sometimes thought that things could get worse..just to find out that they could. I have slowly realized how much time I have spent wasting away. Hours, Days, Months, Moments that you can never get back.

I have realized how much I really have, but also wondered about what I have lost. What might have, what was supposed to be, what altered life's path to bring me where I am today.

What I do know is that I am me, that there are those that cannot accept that, that there are those that want me to be something different, but whether I be someone who disappoints or makes others proud I am beginning to see is not possible. If someone loves you, they will love you no matter what, they will love your voice, they will believe you have lips like an angel, they will long for you when your not around, they will miss your smile and laugh, they will hold you when you need it and let go when your ready.

I know who I am, but being that person is very hard, help me learn how.

Celebration, mourning, random thoughts

May 9, 2010....Mother's Day, the day my son left for his first trip without me, the day of another shot at fundraising for Allie.....so much! So much on my mind. So much on my heart. I don't know what to do with all of it. I heard too many stories of lives being lost this weekend, that I just don't understand it. How do you celebrate through the grief, through the tragedy? Life goes on, time doesn't stop and I guess that is what is most tragic and beautiful about it all. Minutes go by and turn into hours, hours go by and turn into days, days into weeks and so on. Before we know it years have passed but we can still look back and remember loss as if it were yesterday. Is that a curse or is that a blessing?

The question that will never be answered...why? Why do some survive and some lose, why do some strive for greatness and some give up, why do some always seem to catch a 'break' and some always seem to just break? I don't understand. I know that I don't have to understand, but still I want to.