Letting Go

Where to begin...it's been so long since I've posted.  Well let's see all I can say is that God has truly surprised me over the past few months.  Or should I say that LIFE has surprised me.  Lets just say that I am coming to grips with the life that I want, and the life that I have.  They are not meshing well.  I love my family, and am thankful for what relationships we have, but something is missing.  I have said goodbye to 3 wonderful girls in the past month...not goodbye forever, but goodbye for way to long.  Allie is in Arkansas with her dad until the end of July, and this weekend Jordan and our new adopted daughter Drew left to go back home after 3 wonderful weeks with us.  That is enough to put a damper on your day! 

I just know that there is so much more to this life, I just have to figure out how to find it.  I had dreams of what my life would be when I was a little girl, and it in no way resembles the life I have now.  That having been said, I am not saying that the life I have is not wonderful, because it is.  Is it perfect....I.N.  N.O.  W.A.Y.  and I am not going to pretend it is.  I am so sick of fairy tales, fake people, so called friends, and being let down. 

So much has happened in reference to my dad and his health, that I have a very hard time dealing with that valley!  How my mom does it, I have no idea...I'm not that strong.  But the problem there is that I used to be.  I used to be made of steel, but I guess over time a person CAN be torn down. 

I know I have to be the one to get to the top of the mountain, but right now it seems like a very long and lonely journey. 

Please pray for the right decisions.  I know that God is testing me right now, I know that HE has everything layed out exactly how it is supposed to be and I am fighting it.  I am very much aware of this, I am also very much aware of how hard it is for me to give up control.  I'm not good at letting go! 

I WANT everything to be perfect for everyone that I know, but I can't make it that way....and regardless of how much pressure I am putting on myself....I STILL WANT TO FIX EVERYTHING!

Have any ideas of how to achieve this........

Prayer

This is gonna be a short one!  It's been an eerily crazy/strange week.  Right now there is a lot on the hearts and minds of me and my family.  I am asking that when you say your prayers to please remember us.  We have some things to deal with that we really aren't prepared for and decisions to make, and we truly need God's guidance.  I'm not prepared to go into detail and that is all that I want to say right now, but God knows our needs, our worries, and HE knows the answer.  Please pray for answers, guidance and peace!

The Fight

Have you ever thought of life as 'The Great Fight'?  We fight for our loved ones, we fight for justice, we fight for our rights, we fight for what we believe in, we fight for a cure, we fight for strength, we fight for the weak, we fight for LIFE.  Everything is a fight in some sense.  But without having the strength within to continue fighting, we lose everything that has gotten us this far.  When times are hard and the mountain looks to high to climb, that's not the time to give.  That's the time to fight!  The time when we must dig down to the depths of our whole being, pull strength from those that love us, trust that God has his own plan for us, and knows how long it will take you to make it up that mountain, and when you get there you will know the reason.  We fight for so much in this world-and when I say fight for Life...I'm not just referring to those who are the strongest and are actually fighting for their health, I'm also meaning fight for the right to actually LIVE!  Everyday-LIVE, not just breathe-LIVE, not just 'wish I could'-LIVE, not 'wish I would have' LIVE.  Don't just blend in and get by-LIVE EVERYDAY-you never know when you might not get the chance to fight again.

Control and Perspective

As I have stated before...I am the kind of person who wants and needs control.  I also talked about my pull towards the Lord, and I'm wondering if this is God's way of showing me and teaching me that I can't have that control-It belongs to Him. 

I am speaking of my daddy.  First you must understand that he has ALWAYS been invincible to me.  He was the greatest man to walk this earth (closely followed by my Papa Lee, some very special uncles and cousins, a few mentors and friends from childhood/teenage years).  Nothing has ever been as strong as my daddy is in my eyes.  But now, I'm seeing something take over and it's not something that I can fix.  That fact crushes my heart and soul.

First his memory loss/dementia has been so hard to take.  We moved a lot when I was younger, which I loved, but most of my memories do not involve all the same people, except for my mom and daddy.  My mom worked a lot and so I was with my dad a lot of the time.  I tried for a long time to figure out how to deal with being the only one who has those memories, I shed a lot of tears, I did a lot of praying...then somehow one day, I felt better (about that).  I didn't get over it, I accepted it.  Then the fact that the doctors cannot treat or even definitively diagnose him is just one more knife in the heart. 

Now he has pain almost daily, has had personality changes-withdrawn more than anything, which again is hard to deal with.  But none of this I can control!  None of this I can fix!  I have admittedly prayed more than normal recently than I have in a very long time.  But I am learning that I have to let God take the control-he already has it, I just have to accept it.

Then there is perspective of it all.  How does my daddy feel about all this?  How is he coping?  How much does he realize has changed?  How does he deal with the pain? 

My Mom:  How does she deal with not being able to make it all better?  How does she live everyday not knowing the answers and watching the man she has been with over half her life, change right before her eyes?

Yes, that was a lot of questions...maybe some of my readers will have cute little comments to make about all the 'how' questions in this post; but that again is perspective.  I have so many friends going through so much hurt and trying times, that I try to think how they would deal with things.  Would they really care if people out there had nothing better to do than talk about them, would they really care if money was ALWAYS the issue?  Would they give up $20, $50, $100, or any amount of money for their child, knowing the suffering that others are going through right now and the fact that it could happen to them at any time, or would that money mean more to them?  Would missing a day of work be the end of the world, or staying up all night with a sick loved one be something to complain about?  Would the little things matter? 

I think that's enough to ponder on for one night....more to come.

Also, Thanks to those of you who have been giving me positive feedback about my writing.  Thanks for reading, thanks for the emails, im's, comments, etc.....it's good to know that my writing is appreciated!

A Little Bit Stronger

I have always wondered how you know when God is speaking to you.  I've heard my entire life to be quiet and listen, but it's never been easy for me.  I know when I was saved at Reyno First Baptist Church that I could feel God pulling me towards him, and I also know that that time of my life was the most happy and peaceful that I can remember. 

But recently I have had the Lord on my mind and heart so much lately.  Since living in the Bible Belt my whole life for the most part, I am no stranger to religion, Christ, Right and Wrong; and not saying that people in the West are not religious, but it's just not...right in front of you and there are sooooo many different beliefs and perspectives.

I know what I believe and what I trust in and that is:
1.  The Father, Son and The Holy Ghost
2.  God sent his Son to die on the cross to save us from our sins.
3.  That you must confess with your lips that Jesus died for you.
4.  Ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and come into your heart and save you.

I do not believe that this gives you a free ride to do whatever you want and be home free.  Am I perfect?  No     Have I lived the perfect Christian life and walked  the Christian walk?  No     Do I know what I should be doing...YES! 

It is so hard to follow sometimes.  I am the kind of person that wants and needs control.  I NEED to have a plan, I need to know what to expect, what is coming, what to prepare for.  But I KNOW that this isn't God's will.  I KNOW that the Bible tells us to put our worries on him, follow his lead and trust.  I KNOW that HE will reveal HIS plan, in HIS own time, and that I have to be patient and wait for his instruction. 

I want to be a light to others, and example.....again, remember I know I am not perfect or the perfect Christian...I know that I am FAR  from it.

It is really hard to watch others preach, look down on, and most importantly judge others...when they are not walking the walk either.  I know that is what turns alot of people away from Christ and religion...hypocrites...those who speak of being blessed at church-then gossiping throughout the week, those who talk of their love for the Lord and living as closely to His example as possible-then judge others for their choices, those who say how they long for church-then act as if they are better than others.  That is not God's love, that is not God's example....we all know that.

I am not even going to act like I am doing the things that God wants me to do, but I can honestly say that I want the prayers to help me be more Christ like.  I want the prayers to be the person God wants me to be, or to at least-make progress.  Just pray to help me find my path that God has laid out for me.  Pray that I can be still and listen.  Pray that me and my family can find a church here that we feel like we belong too.  Pray that I can be disciplined enough to study my Bible regularly and to stand my ground and keep my beliefs strong!  Pray for me to be 'Just a Little Bit Stronger'.

All Things Work Out in the End

It's been a good day.  Got breakfast in bed from the hubby, had a water fight with him also this afternoon (hilarious)!, sat by the fire listening to the kids run around all day, Olive Garden take out for supper, and then the Oscars!  I got to talk to my stepdaughter alot today via instant chat...amazing what technology can do.  I looked over at one point and Allie and Wade are on the couch, both with their new Droids trying o work out skype and playing games, then Presley had to join in, and later Layne was on Wade's phone horse racing!!!  Oh My!!!

I learned a lot today also...things that I had been praying about, things I had been worrying about, but found out that my prayers have been answered and that I have nothing to worry about.  That all in all, people see the truth about other's and their actions.  That in the end everything works out.  I see now why my husband tells me all the time, to let things go and not to worry about, and not to let things bother me because true colors shine through.

Now I have to work on my worrying!  I do WAY too much of it!!! 

I have had an offer to help with a book about my life...and am loving the idea.  I have started working out, and although my muscles are very upset with me right now...they will be happy in the end!  I am remembering what my dreams used to be and wondering where I have been hiding them.  I feel the need to strive for them, to follow them no matter how outrageous they are.  We only live one life right....so why not go for it! 

Why?

What makes some people nice and some just plain mean?  What makes some people giving and others selfish?  What makes some people truthful and others tell a lie every time they open their mouths?  What makes some strive for happiness and some people strive to make others miserable?  Why is it that when people are jealous of you or what your life is-they feel the need to try to put you down in anyway possible?  Why are girls so mean????  Why can't some people just be happy?  Why is it that some give more than they take, and others take more than they give?

Momma Said There'd be Days Like This!

Almost this entire past week has been CRAZY!  We got snow on Wednesday so the kids had a 2 hour delay for school, which by the way is Reno's answer to a snow day.  That totally messed up our 'normal to us' schedule.  I still had to be at work at 7:45, Allie now didn't have to be at school til 9:25, Layne's school would now begin at 11:00 and then Wade had to leave by 2:00 for him to get to work.  Now keep in mind that on Wednesdays here in the Washoe County School District all schools release 45 minutes early-so a normal Wednesday that parents have to arrange for is to elementary gets out at 2:35 and Middle School gets out at 1:15, so now not only has the morning been chaos...they cancel the early release!  Crazy!  All is clear though by noon so life is good right....wrong!  The next morning more snow and another 2 hour delay!  It snowed off and on lightly all day.  So Thursday night Wade works graves and it's me and the kids.  I turn on the news at 6 am to find out that this time they have actually cancelled school all together!  I still go to work, the kids are with grandpa because Wade sleeps days during his grave shifts.  I was so excited for Friday's work day to be over!  There was sooo much snow!  It was gorgeous but freezing and I hate to be cold!  I finally get to sleep Friday night and woke up about 2:30am and looked at phone to see a text from Wade that said 'sick-coming home!  Really!!  We thought everyone who was going to get it had and it was over!  Poor thing was sick all day Saturday and just stayed in the bed where he has pretty much been all weekend!  I did get to go out with some friends Sunday night since today was a holiday for us, and it was a great time away! 


Then today was Allie's orthodonitc appointment, Presley's ENT appointment, Wade still being sick, and on and on and on!  But ya know, tonight we finally got a blessing that I have been waiting on for a long time!  I got to buy a plane ticket for my stepdaughter to come out this summer!  I have wanted for soooo long to be able to share our lives out here with her, and honestly feel so blessed to finally get that opportunity.  We were pretty close when she was younger and her dad and I first started dating, but through the years things have been hard.  People and obstacles have tried to and, at times, succeeded in coming between us and our relationship.  That has hurt more than anyone will ever really know.  I have longed for a special relationship with her and recently we have been talking more, and I am really hoping that this will be a great building block for us! 


I'm not going to pretend that I know how to relate to or deal with a 17 year old daughter, our kids here are still young and are not in that child/adult limbo stage, but I am hoping to learn! 


We will have about a week with all of our girls here then Allie will be leaving to spend some time with her dad, we will have a little more time with Jordan.  Allie is looking forward to seeing her dad and brothers, and spending time in Arkansas this summer.  I'm not sure how ready I am to be away from her for that long, but that is my problem not hers.  She deserves the opportunity to spend quality time with her dad.  Her not having a traditional family, Jordan not having a traditional family...none of our kids having a traditional family is not their faults.  It is ours, the adults, so hopefully we can not make the kids pay for our mistakes forever! 


More to come, but I've gotta get in the bed!  I think the hubby needs some T.L.C.!  Good Night All!

It was a dreary, snowy day here in Reno, and brought on lots of different thoughts. To be honest the number one thing on my mind lately in religion-right and wrong. I know I need to get my relationship right with the Lord again, and I am on that path. My family is on that path as well. Living here is much different than living in the Bible belt. God, Religion-it's just not 'prevalant', it's not common day, it's not seen as the norm. And when there is talk of religion there are soooo many different opinions. Not that this is anything new, but it's a stumbling block or on the other hand a stepping stone. I guess it's how you look at things.


I have a yearning within my soul that can not be soothed by anything or anyone but the Lord and I know that. I have searched for, tried to make happiness happen, only to see my own failure. I have so many thoughts and feelings. I and my family need God, we need Faith, we need the love.


There are so many friends, people that I have known for years that are going through what are probably the most trying times of their lives at least to date. A friend with a child fighting cancer, friend with a very premature baby fighting for her little life minute by minute, friends who have lost loved ones, and I think in the grand scheme of things...how small some of our daily problems are. Lunch wasn't what you ordered, traffic made you late for an appointment, are those things really going to cause a big impact in the big picture of your life.


I think about these people daily, I worry for them, I pray for them, I hurt for them. I wonder how small things like what other people say about you or think about you would matter to them at this moment. Would they care if someone wrote a sarcastic facebook comment about them, would they care if someone thought they were better than them, would they care if someone didn't 'approve' of the way they run their family. I tend to think the answers to all would be no. I tend to hold on to the belief that what should matter is what will affect our lives, our real lives. Not petty things. There are a lot of things on my mind right now, more than I can spew out right now, but in the next few days it will come out. Don't be shocked, don't be taken aback-but instead take it to heart, take it as questions in your own life.....if your life ended right .....now! Would you be proud of the way you lived it?

What a Difference a Day Makes!

WOW!! Today was awesome. After a very hard weekend, I learned today that this rough patch was just what I needed! I had the kids Valentine's presents sat out by the fireplace for when they woke up this morning. (don't worry Wade got his present last night) Allie gets up when I do because I drop her at school on my way to work, so she was the first to get her gifts...some candy, a Charlotte Russe shirt, pink pancake mix and a Twilight Card-her new Droid phone had already been ordered but won't be here until Wednesday.

Layne was next and came down half asleep for his new soccer ball and equipment, new ping pong balls for his table, chocolate candy, a doggy sucker, sweet tarts of course and his Valentine card. Then Pres joined for her new pink golf set, pink miniature soccer ball, two stuffed animals one each from her brother and sister, her diamond ring sucker, Tinkerbell conversation hearts, and chocolates.

Then off to work!!! I've got a cold so it was a dreary morning until about 9 o'clock when I got a big surprise...my hubby and a beautiful little girl carrying a pink bag bigger than she is! I got to spend a few minutes with them while the girls at work loved on Pres. Then I got this phone call at work at about 3:30 saying hey baby what time you get off work!! It was my crazy husband saying he was cooking dinner and wanted to make sure it was hot when I got home!

We sat and had a great family dinner together, talked about the day. Allie asked if I gave her dad the address to her school and when I answered no, she wanted to know how he knew it? I was quite baffled, until she brought in a beautiful red rose, Happy Valentine's Day Balloon and card that read "I love you, Daddy". She was so excited.

Wade and I had a great conversation about our future, our hopes, our plans for our family, what we expect to instill in out kids. I told him of concerns that I have with our blended family that he put at ease. I learned that if I take on his approach and outlook at what we can do with our children and what we can hope for, I felt so much better. We then decided together that we both have a longing for a church family and to get our kids the Christian guidance that they don't get not living in the Bible belt.

I have started preparing my book and have not decided whether to change the names to protect the innocent because there really are no innocent. I have also promised to make this blog the serious facts, of my feelings, no holds barred. So I must say that I got a big surprise tonight that I can say was a definite surprise, but I can also say made me a very happy girl. It has been a long 5 years with this journey of being a blended family and trying to deal with everyone involved and I must say that sharing the last name with my husbands EX wife hasn't been one of my favorite details of being an Agee, but looks like I got another Valentine gift tonight and so did she when she got married! So Congratulations to her and her newest husband and good luck to them!

Hard Days

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. Time to be honest. I'm not happy. I'm not where I feel I belong. I have always been destined for great, bigger, things, but don't know how I'm ever going to achieve them now. I love my kids, but it would be sooo hard to go back to school now, because I have to work. I'm so tired of tip toeing around everyone to make them feel special, when I don't feel that way myself. I'm tired of being the one that does for everyone else, but ends up getting crapped on in the end.

I've dealt with liars, home wreckers, selfish, two faced people and I'm at my wits end. The moodiness, the going from one way to the next in a matter of minutes is ridiculous. Having people lie about you to make you out to be the bad guy is sooo uncalled for. I have done nothing in this life, but try to help, fix, or take care of everyone else; but have I gotten any of that in return? No. My parents try but they don't know how to always help, it's either too much or they get upset and it's too little. As for my husband it's the same way all or nothing. I know that I am loved.

I also know that I am 33 and tired of feeling like an old woman. I want to live my life the way I want. I want others, as in those that have no business in my life to stay out of it. I realize that there are people that in a round about way have a place in my life, but some of them take it to the extreme. I have decided that I am going to write that book that so many have been trying to get me to write. I might end up single and enemy of the state number 1, but that is the way it has to be. I've had all the drama I can take.

Fact is....I love my husband, children, parents, Father, Son and the Holy Ghost. I love my step kids like they are my own, but I also feel that I have been used and by some of these people. Fact...My husbands ex wife has no place in my life. I am the biological mother of 3 of our five children and I am responsible for and have the say in what happens in their lives. The sooner that others respect my position the sooner things will get better.

I am not a bad evil person. I want what is best for my family and for myself. I was told this by someone 'that they didn't agree with decisions that I have made and that I need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to know how they feel'. Well in all honesty, I have dealt with that other person's shoes for years now and know just how manipulative they are. I also know that no one has ever taken into consideration the journey in this life that I have had.

This book it going to upset, and tick off lots of people, but I have made up my mind that is the way it needs to be. I'm tired of being the one to get trampled on. Others that not only act like bitches, but I am convinced are card carrying members of this club, need to know the truth.

Again this is not only one sided, I realize there are two sides to every story, I also realize there is one truth. I want to make a difference in people's lives and I am going to do that one way or the other. Please pray for me to find the best way for me to do that.

For those of you that have for years tried to ruin my life, get ready for the truth, get ready for the great debate. I am sick of rumors, I am sick of drama. If you feel the need to lay the so called truth on, then be a man/woman and take it up with me. You think you know things that I do not,then feel free to email me or better yet call me and let's talk about it. No more of round and round drama, no more of when you get the urge-trying to cause problems in my life....bring it. You have something to say, you have something to take up with me...bring it. Don't be a coward, don't start threads under anonymous names on public trash websites, don't start crap on social networking sites....come to me. If I'm who you have the problem with come to me! I may end up alone, I may end up enemy of the state, but I will be happy with myself and I will stick up for my kids. This includes my step kids. I have decided to take back the power of my life. Like it or not, agree or not. Try to bring me down, and let's see how pathetic your lives really are. You have a legitimate reason to confront me...do it, like a real man or woman. Don't hide behind your keyboard, or fake name, or friends. But also be prepared, you want to come to me with what you think I've done wrong-be prepared to hear the truth. Because I really think that there are people running their mouths, hypocritically, that would love to throw stones, but are not themselves ready to face the truth.

Learning to Let Go

So I have been on this journey within myself to find 'me'....to live 'my' life. What I have realized is that I wanted the perfect life and guess what... it - doesn't - exist. There is no perfect life. What I have to do is let go of that myth. I have to realize that not everything has to or is going to go the way I want it to. But letting go is the HARDEST thing to do. But it is good for me, it is good for me to let go and breathe. It's good for anyone.

Now then...saying it is soooo easy. Doing it-a different story. I am still trying. Little things, baby steps. That's the way to go right?