Not a Night Goes By

Not a night goes by I don't dream of wondering about the life that might have been.

I've had a lot on my mind the last few days, or actually should I say a lot of people on my mind. I have dreams at night and they are there. So vivid, so real, then I wake up. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to stay asleep for days and get to spend all those hours with them. These special visitors are some very important people in my life that are now gone. Some are at the forefront of my mind daily...Terry, my Papa, my Aunt Judy...some make random and wonderful appearances that make my mind remember them more and more daily. I miss Terry so much it doesn't seem real. I can still hear his laugh and see his face turn red as he's laughing. I can still see his boots, his smile. I can hear his voice aggravating someone or offering the kids a dollar to say shit. It's the strangest thing...I can see him, I can hear him, I can feel his presence...but I can't touch him or hug him or say I love you to him. And I think that is what bothers me the most is that I never did those things when I had the chance. Our family just isn't like that, but I so wish we they were. I miss him so much. Even though I wasn't a little girl anymore, I guess I always felt like I was protected. I knew all I had to do was tell him, and it would be taken care of (ask a certain boy named Brad). I used to go sit at the cemetary, I know morbib right...but you have no idea how peaceful it was. He, his dad (my uncle Jerry that was one of my favorite people when I was little, and my Papa Lee...my favorite man that has always been part of my life other than my daddy...are all resting right there together. That spot at that cemetary is the most peaceful, protected place I know. I miss that spot!

I miss kissing Papa's head and seeing him smile and tell granny that I liked him better. I see him in that chair, in that same spot in the living room everytime I walk in that house. That's his spot, that's him.

It's sort of strange to think about now, the day my Aunt Judy died. Terry was with us. I never dreamed on that horrifyingly tragic day that in a matter of months I would be mourning him along with the rest of my family. Judy died after a very strong courageous battle with breast cancer. It made her into the physical being of someone I had never seen, but brought out her inner being that was greater than anyone I've known. She faced her illness, her treatment, her fears, her fight, and in the end her death with more grace and dignity than most people show in their entire lives.

Remembering all of them brings memories flooding my mind, that brings people to my mind that I have mourned, but have seemed to get past their passing. And I don't think I want to. I want to remember these people, I want to remember the memories. Because of my childhood, teen years, and so on...the bad things, I have blocked out a lot of memories, a lot of pain. But I want to remember them, that's why I like to have these people visit me in my dreams, I want to remember them everyday. My granny Daughhetee whom lived to be 101 years old and had 4 of 5 boys precede her in death. My granny Foster and her hump, my grandpa Daughhetee and even though he seemed to never make the right choices, I know at one point in his life he really lived it, not just lived through it. Janetta and Mia...oh my, I do think about them often...with so many different emotions. Joy for knowing them, anger for loosing them, guilt for not being with them, sadness for not knowing what they would accomplish in life, and selfishness for not getting to know them as adults. My cousin Jeff, how different so so so many lives would be if he hadn't been taken at only 16 years of age.

There are many more in my life that I have lost, family and friends...as everyone has...but the pain. The pain doesn't seem fair to us, we tend to forget what these people themselves were going through. We don't know their pain, whether it have been physical, emotional, or mental. We don't consider that they are in no pain, some of them were taken before they could actually feel the pain of loss, the pain of a broken heart, the pain of this world. We question it, we ask why them, but is it for us to understand? No. Is it something that we are owed an explanation for? No, even though we may feel that way.

I was looking through some pictures and a lot of these people were captured at a certain moment in time for me to look at, remember, grieve, reminisce about, and love. Then just as quickly as they were here, they are gone...again. We must live our lives. We can't sit and dwell, right? Wrong, we can take these people with us everyday, everywhere...in our thoughts, in our memories, in our minds, and most importantly in our hearts.