What makes a mother? It's not being pregnant, it's not giving birth, it's not just being called mom. There are many many characteristics of what a mother is...sitting up half the night caring for a sick baby, sitting up half the night worrying about your child out for the first time without you, sitting up half the night waiting to hear the car door shut in the driveway to know that a teenager is home safe. Loving a child, no matter their age or their attitude, putting your needs aside to make sure that your child has everything they may want or need. Knowing that your true happiness is that your child has all their heart's desires. That too me is what a mother really is. I have been on the giving and receiving end of all of these, I have felt this love as a daughter and as a mother.
It's not easy being a mom, it's not easy being my mom. These are things that I am well aware of, yet I know that no matter what, my mom has always and will always be here for me. We haven't had the smoothest relationship, but what mother and daughter does. I haven't always understood some of the decisions my mom has made, I haven't always agreed with her way of doing things, we haven't always 'liked' each other, and at times I know it's been hard to 'love' each other, but as sure as I am aware of those things, I am aware that LOVE has always been there. I have come to understand her and her decisions more and more as each day I continue my journey as a mother. I technically didn't make her a mother....I had a brother or sister whom never made it into this world, but having had a miscarriage myself, I know that she loved that child, even though she never saw their little face. That child made her a mother. I came next.
I became a mother in 1998 to an amazing 6lb 3 oz baby girl. She was perfect in every way. It wasn't the fairytale life that I had always imagined, but it was my miracle. I didn't get to have the joys or memories of having her father look at sonogram machines with me and watch her little body move around or hold my hand as we listened to her heartbeat for the first time. I didn't give birth with him standing beside me or get to look in his eyes as he saw our first born child. I do have all those memories, but they are between my mom and me. She and my dad were the ones there for me through that scary and exciting time in my life, and my mom was the only one with me during the birth of my first born child. They have always been there, and I know they always will.
It was not my decision to have those memories all to myself, and I don't know the reason that Allie's biological father made the decisions that he did. But I also know that it isn't up to me to know the answers or to have to explain his choices to her. I used to resent the fact that I went through all of that without her father, but have come to realize, I am much more blessed to have had my mom and dad. There are single mothers that go through that whole process completely alone....I, fortunately, didn't have to endure that additional pain. I do feel for Allie though. She is starting to miss those moments in her life that she never had. She is longing for memories and pictures with her 'father' that I can't give her, and questioning things that I can't answer. As any mother (or true father) knows, seeing your child hurt is THE most pain you will ever feel, especially when you can't kiss the boo-boo and make it go away.
All I can do is tell her the truth, "I don't know why, but I do know that it wasn't your fault. It was a decision that he made and a decision that he will have to live with and answer for someday." I have worried about these days to come and now that they are here, I know that my worrying did no good. They still came, I still don't have any answers for her, and I know that only more questions will come. So I have made the only decision that I know...I will encourage, support, and be here for her in whatever way she needs me.
I'm never going to have the answers she needs; I don't have the answers to the questions I once had, but I don't need them...she does. I don't have any feelings for him, I don't love him, I don't need or want him in my life....she does. I don't want to hold his hand, or hug him, or cry on his shoulder when I've had a bad day....she does. I don't want to feel like his world even if only for a moment in time...she does. I don't want to be able to run to him in order to feel safe when life gets overwhelming...it's my little girl that wants her daddy. It's not fair to her, but it's a reality that she is going to have to learn to live with...she doesn't have those little girl-daddy memories with him, and she never will. But I hope that she realizes that he doesn't have those memories either, and that is something that I would think a 'father' would think about daily, and I truly hope he does live everyday knowing what he's missed. She has let his mistakes in judgement and decisions start to affect her, and that is the last thing that I want. So as her mother, I have to give be the example to not let other's and their actions destroy you. I have to learn the art of forgiveness to teach her.
It's not her father I need to forgive, because sad to say I guess...I have nothing to forgive him for. As of September 12, 1998 he didn't do anything to me, he did it to her. If I have to forgive him for anything, it's what he has done to her...and I know that is something that I will have to figure out on my own. I have to learn to forgive in general. I have to learn to let go of the past in order to live the present and look forward to the future. I have to learn to forgive and let go of past hurt in order to make room for more love and happiness in the present. I have had this perspective of life thrown in front of my face so many times over the past couple of weeks that life is too short to spend it worrying about the past or who said what, who did what, who hurt who. I've seen just how suddenly life can change, how your world can fall apart.
My heart has broke for other mothers whom have lost or are loosing their children no matter how hard themselves or doctors fight to save them. I have learned that toys on the ground, or dishes in the sink aren't the end of the world, but hearing your child laugh can change your world. I've learned that having your child(ren) crawling all over you while your trying to fold laundry or read a book is much better than having a child so sick that you long for them to open their eyes long enough to smile at you or say "I love you mommy". That nothing can ever be as bad as watching your child leave this world before your very eyes or just get sicker despite the best medical care offered. Leaving the house till tomorrow to clean won't be the end of your world, but giving up a moment with your child could be.
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