Where to begin...it's been so long since I've posted. Well let's see all I can say is that God has truly surprised me over the past few months. Or should I say that LIFE has surprised me. Lets just say that I am coming to grips with the life that I want, and the life that I have. They are not meshing well. I love my family, and am thankful for what relationships we have, but something is missing. I have said goodbye to 3 wonderful girls in the past month...not goodbye forever, but goodbye for way to long. Allie is in Arkansas with her dad until the end of July, and this weekend Jordan and our new adopted daughter Drew left to go back home after 3 wonderful weeks with us. That is enough to put a damper on your day!
I just know that there is so much more to this life, I just have to figure out how to find it. I had dreams of what my life would be when I was a little girl, and it in no way resembles the life I have now. That having been said, I am not saying that the life I have is not wonderful, because it is. Is it perfect....I.N. N.O. W.A.Y. and I am not going to pretend it is. I am so sick of fairy tales, fake people, so called friends, and being let down.
So much has happened in reference to my dad and his health, that I have a very hard time dealing with that valley! How my mom does it, I have no idea...I'm not that strong. But the problem there is that I used to be. I used to be made of steel, but I guess over time a person CAN be torn down.
I know I have to be the one to get to the top of the mountain, but right now it seems like a very long and lonely journey.
Please pray for the right decisions. I know that God is testing me right now, I know that HE has everything layed out exactly how it is supposed to be and I am fighting it. I am very much aware of this, I am also very much aware of how hard it is for me to give up control. I'm not good at letting go!
I WANT everything to be perfect for everyone that I know, but I can't make it that way....and regardless of how much pressure I am putting on myself....I STILL WANT TO FIX EVERYTHING!
Have any ideas of how to achieve this........
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Prayer
This is gonna be a short one! It's been an eerily crazy/strange week. Right now there is a lot on the hearts and minds of me and my family. I am asking that when you say your prayers to please remember us. We have some things to deal with that we really aren't prepared for and decisions to make, and we truly need God's guidance. I'm not prepared to go into detail and that is all that I want to say right now, but God knows our needs, our worries, and HE knows the answer. Please pray for answers, guidance and peace!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Fight
Have you ever thought of life as 'The Great Fight'? We fight for our loved ones, we fight for justice, we fight for our rights, we fight for what we believe in, we fight for a cure, we fight for strength, we fight for the weak, we fight for LIFE. Everything is a fight in some sense. But without having the strength within to continue fighting, we lose everything that has gotten us this far. When times are hard and the mountain looks to high to climb, that's not the time to give. That's the time to fight! The time when we must dig down to the depths of our whole being, pull strength from those that love us, trust that God has his own plan for us, and knows how long it will take you to make it up that mountain, and when you get there you will know the reason. We fight for so much in this world-and when I say fight for Life...I'm not just referring to those who are the strongest and are actually fighting for their health, I'm also meaning fight for the right to actually LIVE! Everyday-LIVE, not just breathe-LIVE, not just 'wish I could'-LIVE, not 'wish I would have' LIVE. Don't just blend in and get by-LIVE EVERYDAY-you never know when you might not get the chance to fight again.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Control and Perspective
As I have stated before...I am the kind of person who wants and needs control. I also talked about my pull towards the Lord, and I'm wondering if this is God's way of showing me and teaching me that I can't have that control-It belongs to Him.
I am speaking of my daddy. First you must understand that he has ALWAYS been invincible to me. He was the greatest man to walk this earth (closely followed by my Papa Lee, some very special uncles and cousins, a few mentors and friends from childhood/teenage years). Nothing has ever been as strong as my daddy is in my eyes. But now, I'm seeing something take over and it's not something that I can fix. That fact crushes my heart and soul.
First his memory loss/dementia has been so hard to take. We moved a lot when I was younger, which I loved, but most of my memories do not involve all the same people, except for my mom and daddy. My mom worked a lot and so I was with my dad a lot of the time. I tried for a long time to figure out how to deal with being the only one who has those memories, I shed a lot of tears, I did a lot of praying...then somehow one day, I felt better (about that). I didn't get over it, I accepted it. Then the fact that the doctors cannot treat or even definitively diagnose him is just one more knife in the heart.
Now he has pain almost daily, has had personality changes-withdrawn more than anything, which again is hard to deal with. But none of this I can control! None of this I can fix! I have admittedly prayed more than normal recently than I have in a very long time. But I am learning that I have to let God take the control-he already has it, I just have to accept it.
Then there is perspective of it all. How does my daddy feel about all this? How is he coping? How much does he realize has changed? How does he deal with the pain?
My Mom: How does she deal with not being able to make it all better? How does she live everyday not knowing the answers and watching the man she has been with over half her life, change right before her eyes?
Yes, that was a lot of questions...maybe some of my readers will have cute little comments to make about all the 'how' questions in this post; but that again is perspective. I have so many friends going through so much hurt and trying times, that I try to think how they would deal with things. Would they really care if people out there had nothing better to do than talk about them, would they really care if money was ALWAYS the issue? Would they give up $20, $50, $100, or any amount of money for their child, knowing the suffering that others are going through right now and the fact that it could happen to them at any time, or would that money mean more to them? Would missing a day of work be the end of the world, or staying up all night with a sick loved one be something to complain about? Would the little things matter?
I think that's enough to ponder on for one night....more to come.
Also, Thanks to those of you who have been giving me positive feedback about my writing. Thanks for reading, thanks for the emails, im's, comments, etc.....it's good to know that my writing is appreciated!
I am speaking of my daddy. First you must understand that he has ALWAYS been invincible to me. He was the greatest man to walk this earth (closely followed by my Papa Lee, some very special uncles and cousins, a few mentors and friends from childhood/teenage years). Nothing has ever been as strong as my daddy is in my eyes. But now, I'm seeing something take over and it's not something that I can fix. That fact crushes my heart and soul.
First his memory loss/dementia has been so hard to take. We moved a lot when I was younger, which I loved, but most of my memories do not involve all the same people, except for my mom and daddy. My mom worked a lot and so I was with my dad a lot of the time. I tried for a long time to figure out how to deal with being the only one who has those memories, I shed a lot of tears, I did a lot of praying...then somehow one day, I felt better (about that). I didn't get over it, I accepted it. Then the fact that the doctors cannot treat or even definitively diagnose him is just one more knife in the heart.
Now he has pain almost daily, has had personality changes-withdrawn more than anything, which again is hard to deal with. But none of this I can control! None of this I can fix! I have admittedly prayed more than normal recently than I have in a very long time. But I am learning that I have to let God take the control-he already has it, I just have to accept it.
Then there is perspective of it all. How does my daddy feel about all this? How is he coping? How much does he realize has changed? How does he deal with the pain?
My Mom: How does she deal with not being able to make it all better? How does she live everyday not knowing the answers and watching the man she has been with over half her life, change right before her eyes?
Yes, that was a lot of questions...maybe some of my readers will have cute little comments to make about all the 'how' questions in this post; but that again is perspective. I have so many friends going through so much hurt and trying times, that I try to think how they would deal with things. Would they really care if people out there had nothing better to do than talk about them, would they really care if money was ALWAYS the issue? Would they give up $20, $50, $100, or any amount of money for their child, knowing the suffering that others are going through right now and the fact that it could happen to them at any time, or would that money mean more to them? Would missing a day of work be the end of the world, or staying up all night with a sick loved one be something to complain about? Would the little things matter?
I think that's enough to ponder on for one night....more to come.
Also, Thanks to those of you who have been giving me positive feedback about my writing. Thanks for reading, thanks for the emails, im's, comments, etc.....it's good to know that my writing is appreciated!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
A Little Bit Stronger
I have always wondered how you know when God is speaking to you. I've heard my entire life to be quiet and listen, but it's never been easy for me. I know when I was saved at Reyno First Baptist Church that I could feel God pulling me towards him, and I also know that that time of my life was the most happy and peaceful that I can remember.
But recently I have had the Lord on my mind and heart so much lately. Since living in the Bible Belt my whole life for the most part, I am no stranger to religion, Christ, Right and Wrong; and not saying that people in the West are not religious, but it's just not...right in front of you and there are sooooo many different beliefs and perspectives.
I know what I believe and what I trust in and that is:
1. The Father, Son and The Holy Ghost
2. God sent his Son to die on the cross to save us from our sins.
3. That you must confess with your lips that Jesus died for you.
4. Ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and come into your heart and save you.
I do not believe that this gives you a free ride to do whatever you want and be home free. Am I perfect? No Have I lived the perfect Christian life and walked the Christian walk? No Do I know what I should be doing...YES!
It is so hard to follow sometimes. I am the kind of person that wants and needs control. I NEED to have a plan, I need to know what to expect, what is coming, what to prepare for. But I KNOW that this isn't God's will. I KNOW that the Bible tells us to put our worries on him, follow his lead and trust. I KNOW that HE will reveal HIS plan, in HIS own time, and that I have to be patient and wait for his instruction.
I want to be a light to others, and example.....again, remember I know I am not perfect or the perfect Christian...I know that I am FAR from it.
It is really hard to watch others preach, look down on, and most importantly judge others...when they are not walking the walk either. I know that is what turns alot of people away from Christ and religion...hypocrites...those who speak of being blessed at church-then gossiping throughout the week, those who talk of their love for the Lord and living as closely to His example as possible-then judge others for their choices, those who say how they long for church-then act as if they are better than others. That is not God's love, that is not God's example....we all know that.
I am not even going to act like I am doing the things that God wants me to do, but I can honestly say that I want the prayers to help me be more Christ like. I want the prayers to be the person God wants me to be, or to at least-make progress. Just pray to help me find my path that God has laid out for me. Pray that I can be still and listen. Pray that me and my family can find a church here that we feel like we belong too. Pray that I can be disciplined enough to study my Bible regularly and to stand my ground and keep my beliefs strong! Pray for me to be 'Just a Little Bit Stronger'.
But recently I have had the Lord on my mind and heart so much lately. Since living in the Bible Belt my whole life for the most part, I am no stranger to religion, Christ, Right and Wrong; and not saying that people in the West are not religious, but it's just not...right in front of you and there are sooooo many different beliefs and perspectives.
I know what I believe and what I trust in and that is:
1. The Father, Son and The Holy Ghost
2. God sent his Son to die on the cross to save us from our sins.
3. That you must confess with your lips that Jesus died for you.
4. Ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and come into your heart and save you.
I do not believe that this gives you a free ride to do whatever you want and be home free. Am I perfect? No Have I lived the perfect Christian life and walked the Christian walk? No Do I know what I should be doing...YES!
It is so hard to follow sometimes. I am the kind of person that wants and needs control. I NEED to have a plan, I need to know what to expect, what is coming, what to prepare for. But I KNOW that this isn't God's will. I KNOW that the Bible tells us to put our worries on him, follow his lead and trust. I KNOW that HE will reveal HIS plan, in HIS own time, and that I have to be patient and wait for his instruction.
I want to be a light to others, and example.....again, remember I know I am not perfect or the perfect Christian...I know that I am FAR from it.
It is really hard to watch others preach, look down on, and most importantly judge others...when they are not walking the walk either. I know that is what turns alot of people away from Christ and religion...hypocrites...those who speak of being blessed at church-then gossiping throughout the week, those who talk of their love for the Lord and living as closely to His example as possible-then judge others for their choices, those who say how they long for church-then act as if they are better than others. That is not God's love, that is not God's example....we all know that.
I am not even going to act like I am doing the things that God wants me to do, but I can honestly say that I want the prayers to help me be more Christ like. I want the prayers to be the person God wants me to be, or to at least-make progress. Just pray to help me find my path that God has laid out for me. Pray that I can be still and listen. Pray that me and my family can find a church here that we feel like we belong too. Pray that I can be disciplined enough to study my Bible regularly and to stand my ground and keep my beliefs strong! Pray for me to be 'Just a Little Bit Stronger'.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
All Things Work Out in the End
It's been a good day. Got breakfast in bed from the hubby, had a water fight with him also this afternoon (hilarious)!, sat by the fire listening to the kids run around all day, Olive Garden take out for supper, and then the Oscars! I got to talk to my stepdaughter alot today via instant chat...amazing what technology can do. I looked over at one point and Allie and Wade are on the couch, both with their new Droids trying o work out skype and playing games, then Presley had to join in, and later Layne was on Wade's phone horse racing!!! Oh My!!!
I learned a lot today also...things that I had been praying about, things I had been worrying about, but found out that my prayers have been answered and that I have nothing to worry about. That all in all, people see the truth about other's and their actions. That in the end everything works out. I see now why my husband tells me all the time, to let things go and not to worry about, and not to let things bother me because true colors shine through.
Now I have to work on my worrying! I do WAY too much of it!!!
I have had an offer to help with a book about my life...and am loving the idea. I have started working out, and although my muscles are very upset with me right now...they will be happy in the end! I am remembering what my dreams used to be and wondering where I have been hiding them. I feel the need to strive for them, to follow them no matter how outrageous they are. We only live one life right....so why not go for it!
I learned a lot today also...things that I had been praying about, things I had been worrying about, but found out that my prayers have been answered and that I have nothing to worry about. That all in all, people see the truth about other's and their actions. That in the end everything works out. I see now why my husband tells me all the time, to let things go and not to worry about, and not to let things bother me because true colors shine through.
Now I have to work on my worrying! I do WAY too much of it!!!
I have had an offer to help with a book about my life...and am loving the idea. I have started working out, and although my muscles are very upset with me right now...they will be happy in the end! I am remembering what my dreams used to be and wondering where I have been hiding them. I feel the need to strive for them, to follow them no matter how outrageous they are. We only live one life right....so why not go for it!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Why?
What makes some people nice and some just plain mean? What makes some people giving and others selfish? What makes some people truthful and others tell a lie every time they open their mouths? What makes some strive for happiness and some people strive to make others miserable? Why is it that when people are jealous of you or what your life is-they feel the need to try to put you down in anyway possible? Why are girls so mean???? Why can't some people just be happy? Why is it that some give more than they take, and others take more than they give?
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