Letting Go

Where to begin...it's been so long since I've posted.  Well let's see all I can say is that God has truly surprised me over the past few months.  Or should I say that LIFE has surprised me.  Lets just say that I am coming to grips with the life that I want, and the life that I have.  They are not meshing well.  I love my family, and am thankful for what relationships we have, but something is missing.  I have said goodbye to 3 wonderful girls in the past month...not goodbye forever, but goodbye for way to long.  Allie is in Arkansas with her dad until the end of July, and this weekend Jordan and our new adopted daughter Drew left to go back home after 3 wonderful weeks with us.  That is enough to put a damper on your day! 

I just know that there is so much more to this life, I just have to figure out how to find it.  I had dreams of what my life would be when I was a little girl, and it in no way resembles the life I have now.  That having been said, I am not saying that the life I have is not wonderful, because it is.  Is it perfect....I.N.  N.O.  W.A.Y.  and I am not going to pretend it is.  I am so sick of fairy tales, fake people, so called friends, and being let down. 

So much has happened in reference to my dad and his health, that I have a very hard time dealing with that valley!  How my mom does it, I have no idea...I'm not that strong.  But the problem there is that I used to be.  I used to be made of steel, but I guess over time a person CAN be torn down. 

I know I have to be the one to get to the top of the mountain, but right now it seems like a very long and lonely journey. 

Please pray for the right decisions.  I know that God is testing me right now, I know that HE has everything layed out exactly how it is supposed to be and I am fighting it.  I am very much aware of this, I am also very much aware of how hard it is for me to give up control.  I'm not good at letting go! 

I WANT everything to be perfect for everyone that I know, but I can't make it that way....and regardless of how much pressure I am putting on myself....I STILL WANT TO FIX EVERYTHING!

Have any ideas of how to achieve this........

Prayer

This is gonna be a short one!  It's been an eerily crazy/strange week.  Right now there is a lot on the hearts and minds of me and my family.  I am asking that when you say your prayers to please remember us.  We have some things to deal with that we really aren't prepared for and decisions to make, and we truly need God's guidance.  I'm not prepared to go into detail and that is all that I want to say right now, but God knows our needs, our worries, and HE knows the answer.  Please pray for answers, guidance and peace!

The Fight

Have you ever thought of life as 'The Great Fight'?  We fight for our loved ones, we fight for justice, we fight for our rights, we fight for what we believe in, we fight for a cure, we fight for strength, we fight for the weak, we fight for LIFE.  Everything is a fight in some sense.  But without having the strength within to continue fighting, we lose everything that has gotten us this far.  When times are hard and the mountain looks to high to climb, that's not the time to give.  That's the time to fight!  The time when we must dig down to the depths of our whole being, pull strength from those that love us, trust that God has his own plan for us, and knows how long it will take you to make it up that mountain, and when you get there you will know the reason.  We fight for so much in this world-and when I say fight for Life...I'm not just referring to those who are the strongest and are actually fighting for their health, I'm also meaning fight for the right to actually LIVE!  Everyday-LIVE, not just breathe-LIVE, not just 'wish I could'-LIVE, not 'wish I would have' LIVE.  Don't just blend in and get by-LIVE EVERYDAY-you never know when you might not get the chance to fight again.

Control and Perspective

As I have stated before...I am the kind of person who wants and needs control.  I also talked about my pull towards the Lord, and I'm wondering if this is God's way of showing me and teaching me that I can't have that control-It belongs to Him. 

I am speaking of my daddy.  First you must understand that he has ALWAYS been invincible to me.  He was the greatest man to walk this earth (closely followed by my Papa Lee, some very special uncles and cousins, a few mentors and friends from childhood/teenage years).  Nothing has ever been as strong as my daddy is in my eyes.  But now, I'm seeing something take over and it's not something that I can fix.  That fact crushes my heart and soul.

First his memory loss/dementia has been so hard to take.  We moved a lot when I was younger, which I loved, but most of my memories do not involve all the same people, except for my mom and daddy.  My mom worked a lot and so I was with my dad a lot of the time.  I tried for a long time to figure out how to deal with being the only one who has those memories, I shed a lot of tears, I did a lot of praying...then somehow one day, I felt better (about that).  I didn't get over it, I accepted it.  Then the fact that the doctors cannot treat or even definitively diagnose him is just one more knife in the heart. 

Now he has pain almost daily, has had personality changes-withdrawn more than anything, which again is hard to deal with.  But none of this I can control!  None of this I can fix!  I have admittedly prayed more than normal recently than I have in a very long time.  But I am learning that I have to let God take the control-he already has it, I just have to accept it.

Then there is perspective of it all.  How does my daddy feel about all this?  How is he coping?  How much does he realize has changed?  How does he deal with the pain? 

My Mom:  How does she deal with not being able to make it all better?  How does she live everyday not knowing the answers and watching the man she has been with over half her life, change right before her eyes?

Yes, that was a lot of questions...maybe some of my readers will have cute little comments to make about all the 'how' questions in this post; but that again is perspective.  I have so many friends going through so much hurt and trying times, that I try to think how they would deal with things.  Would they really care if people out there had nothing better to do than talk about them, would they really care if money was ALWAYS the issue?  Would they give up $20, $50, $100, or any amount of money for their child, knowing the suffering that others are going through right now and the fact that it could happen to them at any time, or would that money mean more to them?  Would missing a day of work be the end of the world, or staying up all night with a sick loved one be something to complain about?  Would the little things matter? 

I think that's enough to ponder on for one night....more to come.

Also, Thanks to those of you who have been giving me positive feedback about my writing.  Thanks for reading, thanks for the emails, im's, comments, etc.....it's good to know that my writing is appreciated!

A Little Bit Stronger

I have always wondered how you know when God is speaking to you.  I've heard my entire life to be quiet and listen, but it's never been easy for me.  I know when I was saved at Reyno First Baptist Church that I could feel God pulling me towards him, and I also know that that time of my life was the most happy and peaceful that I can remember. 

But recently I have had the Lord on my mind and heart so much lately.  Since living in the Bible Belt my whole life for the most part, I am no stranger to religion, Christ, Right and Wrong; and not saying that people in the West are not religious, but it's just not...right in front of you and there are sooooo many different beliefs and perspectives.

I know what I believe and what I trust in and that is:
1.  The Father, Son and The Holy Ghost
2.  God sent his Son to die on the cross to save us from our sins.
3.  That you must confess with your lips that Jesus died for you.
4.  Ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and come into your heart and save you.

I do not believe that this gives you a free ride to do whatever you want and be home free.  Am I perfect?  No     Have I lived the perfect Christian life and walked  the Christian walk?  No     Do I know what I should be doing...YES! 

It is so hard to follow sometimes.  I am the kind of person that wants and needs control.  I NEED to have a plan, I need to know what to expect, what is coming, what to prepare for.  But I KNOW that this isn't God's will.  I KNOW that the Bible tells us to put our worries on him, follow his lead and trust.  I KNOW that HE will reveal HIS plan, in HIS own time, and that I have to be patient and wait for his instruction. 

I want to be a light to others, and example.....again, remember I know I am not perfect or the perfect Christian...I know that I am FAR  from it.

It is really hard to watch others preach, look down on, and most importantly judge others...when they are not walking the walk either.  I know that is what turns alot of people away from Christ and religion...hypocrites...those who speak of being blessed at church-then gossiping throughout the week, those who talk of their love for the Lord and living as closely to His example as possible-then judge others for their choices, those who say how they long for church-then act as if they are better than others.  That is not God's love, that is not God's example....we all know that.

I am not even going to act like I am doing the things that God wants me to do, but I can honestly say that I want the prayers to help me be more Christ like.  I want the prayers to be the person God wants me to be, or to at least-make progress.  Just pray to help me find my path that God has laid out for me.  Pray that I can be still and listen.  Pray that me and my family can find a church here that we feel like we belong too.  Pray that I can be disciplined enough to study my Bible regularly and to stand my ground and keep my beliefs strong!  Pray for me to be 'Just a Little Bit Stronger'.

All Things Work Out in the End

It's been a good day.  Got breakfast in bed from the hubby, had a water fight with him also this afternoon (hilarious)!, sat by the fire listening to the kids run around all day, Olive Garden take out for supper, and then the Oscars!  I got to talk to my stepdaughter alot today via instant chat...amazing what technology can do.  I looked over at one point and Allie and Wade are on the couch, both with their new Droids trying o work out skype and playing games, then Presley had to join in, and later Layne was on Wade's phone horse racing!!!  Oh My!!!

I learned a lot today also...things that I had been praying about, things I had been worrying about, but found out that my prayers have been answered and that I have nothing to worry about.  That all in all, people see the truth about other's and their actions.  That in the end everything works out.  I see now why my husband tells me all the time, to let things go and not to worry about, and not to let things bother me because true colors shine through.

Now I have to work on my worrying!  I do WAY too much of it!!! 

I have had an offer to help with a book about my life...and am loving the idea.  I have started working out, and although my muscles are very upset with me right now...they will be happy in the end!  I am remembering what my dreams used to be and wondering where I have been hiding them.  I feel the need to strive for them, to follow them no matter how outrageous they are.  We only live one life right....so why not go for it! 

Why?

What makes some people nice and some just plain mean?  What makes some people giving and others selfish?  What makes some people truthful and others tell a lie every time they open their mouths?  What makes some strive for happiness and some people strive to make others miserable?  Why is it that when people are jealous of you or what your life is-they feel the need to try to put you down in anyway possible?  Why are girls so mean????  Why can't some people just be happy?  Why is it that some give more than they take, and others take more than they give?

Momma Said There'd be Days Like This!

Almost this entire past week has been CRAZY!  We got snow on Wednesday so the kids had a 2 hour delay for school, which by the way is Reno's answer to a snow day.  That totally messed up our 'normal to us' schedule.  I still had to be at work at 7:45, Allie now didn't have to be at school til 9:25, Layne's school would now begin at 11:00 and then Wade had to leave by 2:00 for him to get to work.  Now keep in mind that on Wednesdays here in the Washoe County School District all schools release 45 minutes early-so a normal Wednesday that parents have to arrange for is to elementary gets out at 2:35 and Middle School gets out at 1:15, so now not only has the morning been chaos...they cancel the early release!  Crazy!  All is clear though by noon so life is good right....wrong!  The next morning more snow and another 2 hour delay!  It snowed off and on lightly all day.  So Thursday night Wade works graves and it's me and the kids.  I turn on the news at 6 am to find out that this time they have actually cancelled school all together!  I still go to work, the kids are with grandpa because Wade sleeps days during his grave shifts.  I was so excited for Friday's work day to be over!  There was sooo much snow!  It was gorgeous but freezing and I hate to be cold!  I finally get to sleep Friday night and woke up about 2:30am and looked at phone to see a text from Wade that said 'sick-coming home!  Really!!  We thought everyone who was going to get it had and it was over!  Poor thing was sick all day Saturday and just stayed in the bed where he has pretty much been all weekend!  I did get to go out with some friends Sunday night since today was a holiday for us, and it was a great time away! 


Then today was Allie's orthodonitc appointment, Presley's ENT appointment, Wade still being sick, and on and on and on!  But ya know, tonight we finally got a blessing that I have been waiting on for a long time!  I got to buy a plane ticket for my stepdaughter to come out this summer!  I have wanted for soooo long to be able to share our lives out here with her, and honestly feel so blessed to finally get that opportunity.  We were pretty close when she was younger and her dad and I first started dating, but through the years things have been hard.  People and obstacles have tried to and, at times, succeeded in coming between us and our relationship.  That has hurt more than anyone will ever really know.  I have longed for a special relationship with her and recently we have been talking more, and I am really hoping that this will be a great building block for us! 


I'm not going to pretend that I know how to relate to or deal with a 17 year old daughter, our kids here are still young and are not in that child/adult limbo stage, but I am hoping to learn! 


We will have about a week with all of our girls here then Allie will be leaving to spend some time with her dad, we will have a little more time with Jordan.  Allie is looking forward to seeing her dad and brothers, and spending time in Arkansas this summer.  I'm not sure how ready I am to be away from her for that long, but that is my problem not hers.  She deserves the opportunity to spend quality time with her dad.  Her not having a traditional family, Jordan not having a traditional family...none of our kids having a traditional family is not their faults.  It is ours, the adults, so hopefully we can not make the kids pay for our mistakes forever! 


More to come, but I've gotta get in the bed!  I think the hubby needs some T.L.C.!  Good Night All!

It was a dreary, snowy day here in Reno, and brought on lots of different thoughts. To be honest the number one thing on my mind lately in religion-right and wrong. I know I need to get my relationship right with the Lord again, and I am on that path. My family is on that path as well. Living here is much different than living in the Bible belt. God, Religion-it's just not 'prevalant', it's not common day, it's not seen as the norm. And when there is talk of religion there are soooo many different opinions. Not that this is anything new, but it's a stumbling block or on the other hand a stepping stone. I guess it's how you look at things.


I have a yearning within my soul that can not be soothed by anything or anyone but the Lord and I know that. I have searched for, tried to make happiness happen, only to see my own failure. I have so many thoughts and feelings. I and my family need God, we need Faith, we need the love.


There are so many friends, people that I have known for years that are going through what are probably the most trying times of their lives at least to date. A friend with a child fighting cancer, friend with a very premature baby fighting for her little life minute by minute, friends who have lost loved ones, and I think in the grand scheme of things...how small some of our daily problems are. Lunch wasn't what you ordered, traffic made you late for an appointment, are those things really going to cause a big impact in the big picture of your life.


I think about these people daily, I worry for them, I pray for them, I hurt for them. I wonder how small things like what other people say about you or think about you would matter to them at this moment. Would they care if someone wrote a sarcastic facebook comment about them, would they care if someone thought they were better than them, would they care if someone didn't 'approve' of the way they run their family. I tend to think the answers to all would be no. I tend to hold on to the belief that what should matter is what will affect our lives, our real lives. Not petty things. There are a lot of things on my mind right now, more than I can spew out right now, but in the next few days it will come out. Don't be shocked, don't be taken aback-but instead take it to heart, take it as questions in your own life.....if your life ended right .....now! Would you be proud of the way you lived it?

What a Difference a Day Makes!

WOW!! Today was awesome. After a very hard weekend, I learned today that this rough patch was just what I needed! I had the kids Valentine's presents sat out by the fireplace for when they woke up this morning. (don't worry Wade got his present last night) Allie gets up when I do because I drop her at school on my way to work, so she was the first to get her gifts...some candy, a Charlotte Russe shirt, pink pancake mix and a Twilight Card-her new Droid phone had already been ordered but won't be here until Wednesday.

Layne was next and came down half asleep for his new soccer ball and equipment, new ping pong balls for his table, chocolate candy, a doggy sucker, sweet tarts of course and his Valentine card. Then Pres joined for her new pink golf set, pink miniature soccer ball, two stuffed animals one each from her brother and sister, her diamond ring sucker, Tinkerbell conversation hearts, and chocolates.

Then off to work!!! I've got a cold so it was a dreary morning until about 9 o'clock when I got a big surprise...my hubby and a beautiful little girl carrying a pink bag bigger than she is! I got to spend a few minutes with them while the girls at work loved on Pres. Then I got this phone call at work at about 3:30 saying hey baby what time you get off work!! It was my crazy husband saying he was cooking dinner and wanted to make sure it was hot when I got home!

We sat and had a great family dinner together, talked about the day. Allie asked if I gave her dad the address to her school and when I answered no, she wanted to know how he knew it? I was quite baffled, until she brought in a beautiful red rose, Happy Valentine's Day Balloon and card that read "I love you, Daddy". She was so excited.

Wade and I had a great conversation about our future, our hopes, our plans for our family, what we expect to instill in out kids. I told him of concerns that I have with our blended family that he put at ease. I learned that if I take on his approach and outlook at what we can do with our children and what we can hope for, I felt so much better. We then decided together that we both have a longing for a church family and to get our kids the Christian guidance that they don't get not living in the Bible belt.

I have started preparing my book and have not decided whether to change the names to protect the innocent because there really are no innocent. I have also promised to make this blog the serious facts, of my feelings, no holds barred. So I must say that I got a big surprise tonight that I can say was a definite surprise, but I can also say made me a very happy girl. It has been a long 5 years with this journey of being a blended family and trying to deal with everyone involved and I must say that sharing the last name with my husbands EX wife hasn't been one of my favorite details of being an Agee, but looks like I got another Valentine gift tonight and so did she when she got married! So Congratulations to her and her newest husband and good luck to them!

Hard Days

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. Time to be honest. I'm not happy. I'm not where I feel I belong. I have always been destined for great, bigger, things, but don't know how I'm ever going to achieve them now. I love my kids, but it would be sooo hard to go back to school now, because I have to work. I'm so tired of tip toeing around everyone to make them feel special, when I don't feel that way myself. I'm tired of being the one that does for everyone else, but ends up getting crapped on in the end.

I've dealt with liars, home wreckers, selfish, two faced people and I'm at my wits end. The moodiness, the going from one way to the next in a matter of minutes is ridiculous. Having people lie about you to make you out to be the bad guy is sooo uncalled for. I have done nothing in this life, but try to help, fix, or take care of everyone else; but have I gotten any of that in return? No. My parents try but they don't know how to always help, it's either too much or they get upset and it's too little. As for my husband it's the same way all or nothing. I know that I am loved.

I also know that I am 33 and tired of feeling like an old woman. I want to live my life the way I want. I want others, as in those that have no business in my life to stay out of it. I realize that there are people that in a round about way have a place in my life, but some of them take it to the extreme. I have decided that I am going to write that book that so many have been trying to get me to write. I might end up single and enemy of the state number 1, but that is the way it has to be. I've had all the drama I can take.

Fact is....I love my husband, children, parents, Father, Son and the Holy Ghost. I love my step kids like they are my own, but I also feel that I have been used and by some of these people. Fact...My husbands ex wife has no place in my life. I am the biological mother of 3 of our five children and I am responsible for and have the say in what happens in their lives. The sooner that others respect my position the sooner things will get better.

I am not a bad evil person. I want what is best for my family and for myself. I was told this by someone 'that they didn't agree with decisions that I have made and that I need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to know how they feel'. Well in all honesty, I have dealt with that other person's shoes for years now and know just how manipulative they are. I also know that no one has ever taken into consideration the journey in this life that I have had.

This book it going to upset, and tick off lots of people, but I have made up my mind that is the way it needs to be. I'm tired of being the one to get trampled on. Others that not only act like bitches, but I am convinced are card carrying members of this club, need to know the truth.

Again this is not only one sided, I realize there are two sides to every story, I also realize there is one truth. I want to make a difference in people's lives and I am going to do that one way or the other. Please pray for me to find the best way for me to do that.

For those of you that have for years tried to ruin my life, get ready for the truth, get ready for the great debate. I am sick of rumors, I am sick of drama. If you feel the need to lay the so called truth on, then be a man/woman and take it up with me. You think you know things that I do not,then feel free to email me or better yet call me and let's talk about it. No more of round and round drama, no more of when you get the urge-trying to cause problems in my life....bring it. You have something to say, you have something to take up with me...bring it. Don't be a coward, don't start threads under anonymous names on public trash websites, don't start crap on social networking sites....come to me. If I'm who you have the problem with come to me! I may end up alone, I may end up enemy of the state, but I will be happy with myself and I will stick up for my kids. This includes my step kids. I have decided to take back the power of my life. Like it or not, agree or not. Try to bring me down, and let's see how pathetic your lives really are. You have a legitimate reason to confront me...do it, like a real man or woman. Don't hide behind your keyboard, or fake name, or friends. But also be prepared, you want to come to me with what you think I've done wrong-be prepared to hear the truth. Because I really think that there are people running their mouths, hypocritically, that would love to throw stones, but are not themselves ready to face the truth.

Learning to Let Go

So I have been on this journey within myself to find 'me'....to live 'my' life. What I have realized is that I wanted the perfect life and guess what... it - doesn't - exist. There is no perfect life. What I have to do is let go of that myth. I have to realize that not everything has to or is going to go the way I want it to. But letting go is the HARDEST thing to do. But it is good for me, it is good for me to let go and breathe. It's good for anyone.

Now then...saying it is soooo easy. Doing it-a different story. I am still trying. Little things, baby steps. That's the way to go right?

Fairy Tales Are Just That

How do we move on? How do we get through? How do we wake up everyday and live as if nothing is wrong? This is something I am struggling with. In the past few weeks that which has always been invincable to me, has fallen. I don't know how do deal with it. I don't know where to turn or what to do. I want to fix it all, I want to make everything better...yet I have no control over it. I am helpless. Do you know how this feels...helpless? I need to make everything o.k., but the truth is, nothing will ever be the same again. And yet everyday the sun continues to rise, work goes on, kids have to go to school, homework has to be done, meals made, laundry done...but how can this be when the world feels like it is crashing down all around. Doesn't the world understand that life as I know it is changing...why can't everything just come to a halt until we make this right? Why can't life pause until it's all better again....because it's never going to be the way it was. But why? It isn't time for my world to change. I'm not ready. I'm not prepared. I am learning that the world keeps turning, life still goes on...not the way I want it, but it still goes on. What am I supposed to do? How do I cope? Anger...believe me I'm there. Sadness...believe me I've been there and it isn't over yet. Faith..that's probably the hardest, but I'm trying. Facing the truth...don't want to, but have to. How do you deal when what is supposed to always be strong becomes weak? How do you deal when you cannot fix what is wrong? That is my job, has always been my job. I make things better, I work them out...so why has this power been taken away from me? Why can't everyone else see the pain. Is it just in me? I have a huge whole inside...I need something but what? I pray, I'm keeping my faith in God which isn't easy when it seems everything is falling apart. Who do I lean on, where do I turn. I know, I know...no one ever said life is easy....but no one ever said it is heartbreaking. There are so many different types of people in this world...weak, strong, poor, rich, faithful, faithless, selfish, selfless, givers and takers. There are those that do wrong their entire lives and never seem to 'pay' for their actions, and yet there are those who do right most of their lives and yet these are the ones that seem to pay. Why do bad things happen....why are there true monsters in the world? Why do we teach children fairy tales, why do we tell those learning about life that there are happily ever afters? Are we setting them up for pain? Are there ever fairy tales that come true? My world seems to be crumbling...but the world keeps spinning. The seconds tick by and become minutes which turn into hours and then drag on into days. How do we make our fairy tales end just like those in the books....happily ever after!

So It Goes

I've got so much on my mind and in my heart right now that it feels like I'm in the middle of whirlwind and can't catch my breath. I have been praying so hard, and not for what I want entirely....but actually for God to show me what he wants for me.

As you all know I have struggled with finding out who I really am. Who is "ME"? I have come to realize that there are so many emotions, trials, tribulations, blessings, and gifts that have been part of my life, that those things make up who I am. Who I have loved, who I have been loved by....who I have lost, and those who I have found. People will come and go throughout your life, some for what we may feel sorry to see go or happy that they have left. Those who you have prayed to come into your life and those that show up like a gift from heaven. My family is who I am, my friends are who I am, my love is who I am, my passion is who I am.

I get overwhelmed, who doesn't. I get down, who doesn't. I have sometimes thought that things could get worse..just to find out that they could. I have slowly realized how much time I have spent wasting away. Hours, Days, Months, Moments that you can never get back.

I have realized how much I really have, but also wondered about what I have lost. What might have, what was supposed to be, what altered life's path to bring me where I am today.

What I do know is that I am me, that there are those that cannot accept that, that there are those that want me to be something different, but whether I be someone who disappoints or makes others proud I am beginning to see is not possible. If someone loves you, they will love you no matter what, they will love your voice, they will believe you have lips like an angel, they will long for you when your not around, they will miss your smile and laugh, they will hold you when you need it and let go when your ready.

I know who I am, but being that person is very hard, help me learn how.

Celebration, mourning, random thoughts

May 9, 2010....Mother's Day, the day my son left for his first trip without me, the day of another shot at fundraising for Allie.....so much! So much on my mind. So much on my heart. I don't know what to do with all of it. I heard too many stories of lives being lost this weekend, that I just don't understand it. How do you celebrate through the grief, through the tragedy? Life goes on, time doesn't stop and I guess that is what is most tragic and beautiful about it all. Minutes go by and turn into hours, hours go by and turn into days, days into weeks and so on. Before we know it years have passed but we can still look back and remember loss as if it were yesterday. Is that a curse or is that a blessing?

The question that will never be answered...why? Why do some survive and some lose, why do some strive for greatness and some give up, why do some always seem to catch a 'break' and some always seem to just break? I don't understand. I know that I don't have to understand, but still I want to.

Not a Night Goes By

Not a night goes by I don't dream of wondering about the life that might have been.

I've had a lot on my mind the last few days, or actually should I say a lot of people on my mind. I have dreams at night and they are there. So vivid, so real, then I wake up. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to stay asleep for days and get to spend all those hours with them. These special visitors are some very important people in my life that are now gone. Some are at the forefront of my mind daily...Terry, my Papa, my Aunt Judy...some make random and wonderful appearances that make my mind remember them more and more daily. I miss Terry so much it doesn't seem real. I can still hear his laugh and see his face turn red as he's laughing. I can still see his boots, his smile. I can hear his voice aggravating someone or offering the kids a dollar to say shit. It's the strangest thing...I can see him, I can hear him, I can feel his presence...but I can't touch him or hug him or say I love you to him. And I think that is what bothers me the most is that I never did those things when I had the chance. Our family just isn't like that, but I so wish we they were. I miss him so much. Even though I wasn't a little girl anymore, I guess I always felt like I was protected. I knew all I had to do was tell him, and it would be taken care of (ask a certain boy named Brad). I used to go sit at the cemetary, I know morbib right...but you have no idea how peaceful it was. He, his dad (my uncle Jerry that was one of my favorite people when I was little, and my Papa Lee...my favorite man that has always been part of my life other than my daddy...are all resting right there together. That spot at that cemetary is the most peaceful, protected place I know. I miss that spot!

I miss kissing Papa's head and seeing him smile and tell granny that I liked him better. I see him in that chair, in that same spot in the living room everytime I walk in that house. That's his spot, that's him.

It's sort of strange to think about now, the day my Aunt Judy died. Terry was with us. I never dreamed on that horrifyingly tragic day that in a matter of months I would be mourning him along with the rest of my family. Judy died after a very strong courageous battle with breast cancer. It made her into the physical being of someone I had never seen, but brought out her inner being that was greater than anyone I've known. She faced her illness, her treatment, her fears, her fight, and in the end her death with more grace and dignity than most people show in their entire lives.

Remembering all of them brings memories flooding my mind, that brings people to my mind that I have mourned, but have seemed to get past their passing. And I don't think I want to. I want to remember these people, I want to remember the memories. Because of my childhood, teen years, and so on...the bad things, I have blocked out a lot of memories, a lot of pain. But I want to remember them, that's why I like to have these people visit me in my dreams, I want to remember them everyday. My granny Daughhetee whom lived to be 101 years old and had 4 of 5 boys precede her in death. My granny Foster and her hump, my grandpa Daughhetee and even though he seemed to never make the right choices, I know at one point in his life he really lived it, not just lived through it. Janetta and Mia...oh my, I do think about them often...with so many different emotions. Joy for knowing them, anger for loosing them, guilt for not being with them, sadness for not knowing what they would accomplish in life, and selfishness for not getting to know them as adults. My cousin Jeff, how different so so so many lives would be if he hadn't been taken at only 16 years of age.

There are many more in my life that I have lost, family and friends...as everyone has...but the pain. The pain doesn't seem fair to us, we tend to forget what these people themselves were going through. We don't know their pain, whether it have been physical, emotional, or mental. We don't consider that they are in no pain, some of them were taken before they could actually feel the pain of loss, the pain of a broken heart, the pain of this world. We question it, we ask why them, but is it for us to understand? No. Is it something that we are owed an explanation for? No, even though we may feel that way.

I was looking through some pictures and a lot of these people were captured at a certain moment in time for me to look at, remember, grieve, reminisce about, and love. Then just as quickly as they were here, they are gone...again. We must live our lives. We can't sit and dwell, right? Wrong, we can take these people with us everyday, everywhere...in our thoughts, in our memories, in our minds, and most importantly in our hearts.

Wish for Love

"I Hope the Days Come Easy and the Moments Pass Slow

and Each Road Leads You Where You Want to Go

If Your Faced with a Choice and You Have to Choose

I Hope You Choose the One That Means the Most to You.

And if One Door Opens to Another Door Closed

I Hope You Keep on Walking til You Find a Window.

If it's Cold Outside, Show the World the Warmth of Your Smile.

I Hope You Never Look Back but You Never Forget

All the Ones Who Loved You In the Place You Left.

I Hope You Always Forgive and You Never Forget

and You Help Somebody Every Chance You Get.

You Find God's Grace in Every Mistake

and Always Give More Than You Take

My Wish For You Is That This Life Becomes All That You Want It To

I Hope You Know Somebody Loves You"

Why do we teach little girls to believe in fairy tales? Why do we teach them that a 'knight in shining armour' will come rescue them? Why don't we teach our daughters that they don't have to have a man in their life to be happy, to save them. Yes, finding the man of your dreams, love of your life...is great and brings happiness to your life. But that shouldn't be your happiness. Your happiness is within yourself. Your happiness is knowing who you are and being proud of it all....successes, failures, faults, flaws, luck, good choices, bad mistakes, the whole bundle. Finding the 'right' person to share your life with is amazing, but it's not easy and it's definitely not a fairy tale. Sure maybe in the beginning...come on now let's be honest. In the first six months to a year of a relationship is the easiest...hear me...I said of a relationship, not the first year of marriage. When you are dating, you like each other, every little quirk is cute. When you truly fall in love with that person, you still like them, but maybe those little quirks aren't so cute anymore. When you fall in love, it's a feeling of unconditional devotion. It is NOT something that happens with EVERYONE you date. It has to be right!

We date in our lives to find that right person....we do not fall in love with every person we date. That is just crazy! We date to find the person that compliments our personality, dreams and desires. We do not feel this connection with every person we call our significant other.

Sometimes we make mistakes in whom we choose, and at some point that relationship fails, which it was probably destined to do from the beginning. Some of us, fortunately like myself and my husband, get a second chance.





My husband didn't ride in on a white horse, climb the tallest tower to reach me, or save me from a fire breathing dragon, but he did take my heart, and in return give me his. It amazes me that he can still sit here to this day and tell me what I was wearing the first night we met, he remembers the day he asked me out, the day we went out, the date of the night he asked me to marry him and tells me happy anniversary on that day every year (although he has a little help with that one). We are so lucky to have gotten a second chance at true love and happiness. Is life all wine and roses...no...and I don't believe anyone who tries to act as if their life is. Everyone has issues, everyone has tiffs, everyone has their troubles. It's the way you handled those things, the commitment and mutual love to stay with that person no matter what. If either of you run at the first roadblock, it's not love, it's not meant to be.













You know my husband told me on his birthday, again, that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him. I questioned this, but he reiterated the same thing. He contributes his turn around in life to me, he thanks me for love him, supporting him, encouraging him, and helping him set goals in life again, like going back to school. I know he loves me. And he knows that all those things are examples of my love for him.









Do we always agree on everything and get along ALL the time...do you know us...he's hard headed and I've got Foster/Daughhetee blood and the temper to go along with it! No we don't stroll through every single day perfectly, but the point is, at the end of the day...we are still together, still in love, and still devoted to each other and our marriage.





We should teach our daughters to find themselves, be themselves, strive for their dreams and then find their 'compliment' in life. Teach them that there is nothing that they cannot achieve. Then when the time is right for them they can choose whom they want to share their life with. The person who adds to their happiness, supports them, shares in their hopes and dreams; and will still be there through the rough times too.





We should teach our sons to respect women, all women. We should teach them, that someday they may be a daddy to a little girl, and when/if that day comes, how would they want a man to treat their baby girl. Respect her, love her, support her, be there for her, provide for her. Be the strong man that can be counted on. Don't ever treat a woman as a maid, a stepping stone, or an object. Teach our sons that all women have hearts, and most of them are not evil, rigid hearts; but quite opposite. Even if he falls in love with a strong woman, there are going to be times when she needs support, love, attention, or maybe just to fall apart. And that's OK, he needs to be there for her, love her. This respect for women should start from a very young age. Teach our sons to respect their mothers, their sisters, their female teachers, and friends. Teach them that woman are special, and when they find that one special woman for them...and their two hearts come together as one....they can make it through.












Let's teach the next generation that alone they can be strong, happy, successful individuals regardless of gender, and there are no limits to what they can achieve. But also teach them when they find that person whom will stand by them, whom they've given the time to go through the ups and downs with, and still have committed to make it work, then they have found it...then they are really in love. They have found the one whom can add to their happiness and to their life.












Really it's rare, it's not just easy to find that right person, it's not just the next John or Jane that they meet and date for a month or two. It's that person who will give of themselves wholly, put in whatever time, effort, and support to make it work. Be there through thick and thin, easy times and tough ones, and not give up...not run away....not walk out....but strive to bring themselves closer...to get through the storm. With two hearts that are right together, anything is possible, and it will be their forever love....

"There are places I remember

All my Life, Though some have changed.

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone, and some remain."

I know life has to change, I know the circle of life, I know people change. But have you ever really wondered why? Have you ever wondered why there are soooo many differences in life from decade to decade? Some are small...fashion, popular music, peoples attitudes toward different aspects of life. I know I cannot say for sure, but doesn't it seem that life was so much easier 20, 30, 40, 50 years ago? Yes, yes...that's easy for me to say because I didn't live in some of those times, but I can't seem to grasp the fact of how 'simple' things seem like they used to be. Sports for example..(have no idea why this is on my mind)-but when did it begin that team sports had to be 'fair' to everyone, and everyone made the team, everyone played the same amount of time? I don't remember it being that way when I was younger and would go to BRHS ballgames, if I'm wrong someone please correct me. I think that people should earn their spots, positions, etc....and it not be placed on what is politically correct. I think that is a big reason of why there is such a big feeling of entitlement among kids.

Ok off that soap box....next subject....when did it become alright for people to be down right mean and nasty, and that just be acceptable. Is it the age of cyberspace, is it the lack of church going families...and I don't mean let's get dressed up, go to church and then leave and act as if we we were never there. What is it? It seems to me that because of a keyboard, people feel they can 'say' or write anything and it is acceptable. How far does the first amendment of right to free speech go. I don't believe that was put into the Bill of Rights to serve as an 'out' for people to be down right nasty to each other.

I have had the unfortunate opportunity to deal with 'mean girls' (people) in my life, and I do try daily to understand their actions, but I just can't. Why would someone, anyone, not want another living person to be happy? What effect does it have on their lives? Why don't we encourage each other, instead of always trying to bring each other down, why don't we support each other, instead of making low cut comments on facebook or myspace? It's ridiculous for people in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's...etc. to do nothing but try to top or outdo or slam another living soul.

I'm not saying that I myself haven't done this because I'll admit that I have. Yes, I can say it is because of the Golden Rule...Do unto others as you would have do unto you, and I would be right. I don't think that I have ever instigated cyber warfare, but I do admit that I have punched back when it's been directed towards me. But still yet, it is all ridiculous. Hiding behind a keyboard to crush another living being's heart, soul, self esteem, relationships...is down right hideous. (Just for the record, I do think that topix.com should be shut down, and whomever created it should seek mental healthcare because they are not happy or well people) I do believe there are only certain kinds of people in this world that could initiate that sort of cruelty, and yes I believe it is those people that need help....but instead it ends up being the target of their cruelty that gets the pleasure of trying to cope. I know we've all heard, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"...bull larkey! Words hurt worse than anything and anyone whom will use the life they were given on this earth, the voice God gave them to communicate, and even those that take for granted the fact that their heart still beats...and uses all these things to try to bring hurt, unhappiness, etc to another person...needs to take a long hard look in the mirror.

Yes, I have hard feelings towards many people...some from my childhood, some from my teen years, some from recent times. I feel that I have been the target of this cruelty far too long, and I'm taking back my own life. If you know anything about my life story...you know of the 'biggie' in my life that changed me forever...childhood molestation. If you know me from what I consider not good times of life...my high school years, you can understand why. In these times it is cyberspace and technology like text messaging that people tend to use to harass, but in my teen years, it was words...lies...name calling. Have you ever had your house spray painted with the most hurtful things imaginable to a 15 year old girl?...I have, I've lived it. You have heard stories of teens, and young people committing suicide due to cyber/technology harassment...are you now beginning to understand depression and where it comes from.

Picture it (just call my Sophia, I love the Golden Girls)...seriously, after you read this scenario close your eyes and put yourself there....small town, small school made of 'lifers' and only a few newbies. You try to be a 'good kid', you try to be the one what your family wants. You have dreams of acting, modeling, etc and have always been told that you have what it takes to make it in these fields but you are not at the worst place to pursue those dreams. Moving on...you go to school everyday to be talked about, called names, told 'you just think your better than me' just because you have name brand clothes and care about your appearance. You don't drink, you don't do drugs, (which was the most popular thing to do in my school, hello my senior class song from 1996 was Dazed and Confused) You make straight A's, have been on leadership teams, in clubs, teachers like you, you care about your school work, but you are still a kid...you still want friends, you still need friends.

It's Halloween and there are two parties going on at the same time...one is a 16th birthday party for a classmate only a block from your house to which you are not invited due to the fact that 'guess what...you think your better than everyone else" then there is a bonfire party at the house of the 'cutest boy' you know at that time, and he has asked you to be there. It's more or less a couples thing...but like 10 or so 'couples', no alcohol, just a good time. You go to that bonfire, you have a great time, you are so happy and giddy as a 15 year old girl coming home by the time of your curfew, being brought home...(if I remember correctly by my now cousin due to marriage and her mother). As you pull up to your home, one of the men in your life, my cousin Terry Lee, who by the way would protect me from anything or anyone...(still don't know what him and Kenny Jones did 'that guy' to make him leave alone, but that's another story) comes outside with his then girlfriend Candy, takes me straight in the house and I have no idea what is going on. My mom is crying, cops are outside, people are everywhere, Terry is extremely...um...irate, my dad is outside with the police...and then I find out. Some girls came and spray painted under my bedroom window, on my house, and ALL OVER my dad's shed horrible things. Do you know what this does to a 15 year old girl, whom has tried and tried to be nice to people. It breaks her heart, it destroys her soul and her inner being. It kills her on the inside....and type of treatment went on for my entire high school life. Not the best memories!

I have lived so many places, I have had the opportunity to see different areas of the United States, meet and get to know many different types of people...some I will remember for the rest of my life, so I'm sure I don't remember at all, and some I would love to forget! Everyone changes, everything changes, nothing remains the same. How we deal with those changes says a lot about us. I used to deal with change very well, I had learned to adapt. Dealing with my childhood/teenage obstacles made me weak, not stronger...made me easily hurt, and there are people whom had fed off of this. I still up until last year had people sending me snide emails and comments about things that had happened to me, including my molestation and the story I wrote earlier in this post. It's ridiculous. Do we all have things in our past that carry hurt for us, do we all have things in our past that we wish we didn't, that we wish we could change. Yes!

The point is to learn from your mistakes and use it for better.

Shouldn't we all work together in this world. In this age of broken homes, child abuse, natural disasters, single parents (and let's get this straight right now what a single parent is. Yes there are parents whom are divorced, never married, etc that are on their own to raise their child(ren), but when the other parent is available, and tries to be a part of that child's life, I don't consider that fact that you are a single parent. You might be single as in...I don't have a boy/girlfriend, husband/wife, but unless the counterpart parent to your children is M.I.A. and has NOTHING to do with those children, and doesn't try to, etc...you are not a single parent...you are a single person with children, but those children have 2 parents.) again....trying to get off that soap box, but don't count on it...I'm just getting started LOL. When parents use their children to try to 'get back at' or hurt the other parent is disgusting. Kids need every big of love and support they can get, so trying to turn them against their other parent because of your own selfishness, insecurities, or just down right cruelty is despicable! Be a parent and let your kids have both parents, even if you don't live together. It's not the kids fault! Ok, think I'm done.

A Mother's Love

What makes a mother? It's not being pregnant, it's not giving birth, it's not just being called mom. There are many many characteristics of what a mother is...sitting up half the night caring for a sick baby, sitting up half the night worrying about your child out for the first time without you, sitting up half the night waiting to hear the car door shut in the driveway to know that a teenager is home safe. Loving a child, no matter their age or their attitude, putting your needs aside to make sure that your child has everything they may want or need. Knowing that your true happiness is that your child has all their heart's desires. That too me is what a mother really is. I have been on the giving and receiving end of all of these, I have felt this love as a daughter and as a mother.

It's not easy being a mom, it's not easy being my mom. These are things that I am well aware of, yet I know that no matter what, my mom has always and will always be here for me. We haven't had the smoothest relationship, but what mother and daughter does. I haven't always understood some of the decisions my mom has made, I haven't always agreed with her way of doing things, we haven't always 'liked' each other, and at times I know it's been hard to 'love' each other, but as sure as I am aware of those things, I am aware that LOVE has always been there. I have come to understand her and her decisions more and more as each day I continue my journey as a mother. I technically didn't make her a mother....I had a brother or sister whom never made it into this world, but having had a miscarriage myself, I know that she loved that child, even though she never saw their little face. That child made her a mother. I came next.

I became a mother in 1998 to an amazing 6lb 3 oz baby girl. She was perfect in every way. It wasn't the fairytale life that I had always imagined, but it was my miracle. I didn't get to have the joys or memories of having her father look at sonogram machines with me and watch her little body move around or hold my hand as we listened to her heartbeat for the first time. I didn't give birth with him standing beside me or get to look in his eyes as he saw our first born child. I do have all those memories, but they are between my mom and me. She and my dad were the ones there for me through that scary and exciting time in my life, and my mom was the only one with me during the birth of my first born child. They have always been there, and I know they always will.

It was not my decision to have those memories all to myself, and I don't know the reason that Allie's biological father made the decisions that he did. But I also know that it isn't up to me to know the answers or to have to explain his choices to her. I used to resent the fact that I went through all of that without her father, but have come to realize, I am much more blessed to have had my mom and dad. There are single mothers that go through that whole process completely alone....I, fortunately, didn't have to endure that additional pain. I do feel for Allie though. She is starting to miss those moments in her life that she never had. She is longing for memories and pictures with her 'father' that I can't give her, and questioning things that I can't answer. As any mother (or true father) knows, seeing your child hurt is THE most pain you will ever feel, especially when you can't kiss the boo-boo and make it go away.

All I can do is tell her the truth, "I don't know why, but I do know that it wasn't your fault. It was a decision that he made and a decision that he will have to live with and answer for someday." I have worried about these days to come and now that they are here, I know that my worrying did no good. They still came, I still don't have any answers for her, and I know that only more questions will come. So I have made the only decision that I know...I will encourage, support, and be here for her in whatever way she needs me.

I'm never going to have the answers she needs; I don't have the answers to the questions I once had, but I don't need them...she does. I don't have any feelings for him, I don't love him, I don't need or want him in my life....she does. I don't want to hold his hand, or hug him, or cry on his shoulder when I've had a bad day....she does. I don't want to feel like his world even if only for a moment in time...she does. I don't want to be able to run to him in order to feel safe when life gets overwhelming...it's my little girl that wants her daddy. It's not fair to her, but it's a reality that she is going to have to learn to live with...she doesn't have those little girl-daddy memories with him, and she never will. But I hope that she realizes that he doesn't have those memories either, and that is something that I would think a 'father' would think about daily, and I truly hope he does live everyday knowing what he's missed. She has let his mistakes in judgement and decisions start to affect her, and that is the last thing that I want. So as her mother, I have to give be the example to not let other's and their actions destroy you. I have to learn the art of forgiveness to teach her.

It's not her father I need to forgive, because sad to say I guess...I have nothing to forgive him for. As of September 12, 1998 he didn't do anything to me, he did it to her. If I have to forgive him for anything, it's what he has done to her...and I know that is something that I will have to figure out on my own. I have to learn to forgive in general. I have to learn to let go of the past in order to live the present and look forward to the future. I have to learn to forgive and let go of past hurt in order to make room for more love and happiness in the present. I have had this perspective of life thrown in front of my face so many times over the past couple of weeks that life is too short to spend it worrying about the past or who said what, who did what, who hurt who. I've seen just how suddenly life can change, how your world can fall apart.

My heart has broke for other mothers whom have lost or are loosing their children no matter how hard themselves or doctors fight to save them. I have learned that toys on the ground, or dishes in the sink aren't the end of the world, but hearing your child laugh can change your world. I've learned that having your child(ren) crawling all over you while your trying to fold laundry or read a book is much better than having a child so sick that you long for them to open their eyes long enough to smile at you or say "I love you mommy". That nothing can ever be as bad as watching your child leave this world before your very eyes or just get sicker despite the best medical care offered. Leaving the house till tomorrow to clean won't be the end of your world, but giving up a moment with your child could be.